gone

dear uncle.

i wanted to keep you anonymous.. i did in all my other posts because I had high hopes about you reviving. Well dad (your brother) just told me that they're going to take you off the breathing machine this saturday.. he even told me the time too. approximately 2pm.

I really don't know what to say, and I can't stop crying ever since I heard the news.

I didn't expect to hear this. I only meant to tell my parents that I got into regionals for bach festival and that this sunday I would have to play in a recital. But they told me to keep this weekend open because of you. I really really can't believe this.... when i visited you at the hospital the last two times you were slowly moving and making progress. I really thought you were going to live. Even when the doctors told my dad that even if you live, you might have mental problems because of so much damage... that didn't bother me at all because when you opened your eyes a millimeter that one time I had hope. I prayed to God for a sign like that, and the fact that it came true instantly gave me so much assurance.

I thought you could make it. Is it the money that's stopping you from living? Is it just because you've given up yourself? Why do you have to do this right now... can't you see the people supporting you? While I was at the hospital there were so many people coming to see you that the doctors had to limit the amount of visitors coming in your room. Pastors, old friends, family.. everyone. There's so many people that are waiting for you to revive again but right now I think they have lost all hope. As for me, I'm really hoping that what my dad had said isn't true. I really hope they don't take you off the machine. You depend on it now, but you're going to recover with it... you can still live. I know. I wish I could know.

I miss you already. I'm sorry I've never visited you as often when you were standing and well-off. I remember the last time we ever had bonding time was about 3 years ago. So ironic how we came to California so that my dad can be with you but we barely get to see each other. I really hope that you pass away peacefully. But more than anything, I hope that you can assure your daughter and son... my cousins... that you'll always be with them no matter what.

I'm really hoping that I wouldn't have to go to a funeral this weekend. I really really hope I don't have to.

Koh sae jun, please show me that you'll be okay even after your last breath.

i love you.