gone

dear uncle.

i wanted to keep you anonymous.. i did in all my other posts because I had high hopes about you reviving. Well dad (your brother) just told me that they're going to take you off the breathing machine this saturday.. he even told me the time too. approximately 2pm.

I really don't know what to say, and I can't stop crying ever since I heard the news.

I didn't expect to hear this. I only meant to tell my parents that I got into regionals for bach festival and that this sunday I would have to play in a recital. But they told me to keep this weekend open because of you. I really really can't believe this.... when i visited you at the hospital the last two times you were slowly moving and making progress. I really thought you were going to live. Even when the doctors told my dad that even if you live, you might have mental problems because of so much damage... that didn't bother me at all because when you opened your eyes a millimeter that one time I had hope. I prayed to God for a sign like that, and the fact that it came true instantly gave me so much assurance.

I thought you could make it. Is it the money that's stopping you from living? Is it just because you've given up yourself? Why do you have to do this right now... can't you see the people supporting you? While I was at the hospital there were so many people coming to see you that the doctors had to limit the amount of visitors coming in your room. Pastors, old friends, family.. everyone. There's so many people that are waiting for you to revive again but right now I think they have lost all hope. As for me, I'm really hoping that what my dad had said isn't true. I really hope they don't take you off the machine. You depend on it now, but you're going to recover with it... you can still live. I know. I wish I could know.

I miss you already. I'm sorry I've never visited you as often when you were standing and well-off. I remember the last time we ever had bonding time was about 3 years ago. So ironic how we came to California so that my dad can be with you but we barely get to see each other. I really hope that you pass away peacefully. But more than anything, I hope that you can assure your daughter and son... my cousins... that you'll always be with them no matter what.

I'm really hoping that I wouldn't have to go to a funeral this weekend. I really really hope I don't have to.

Koh sae jun, please show me that you'll be okay even after your last breath.

i love you.

obstacles

3 more days.

that's all i can think of.

just 3 more....

actually 4, including prom fashion show. that'll be a hassle but i think it'll be more fun :) i mean i'm considering doing this pretty much the rest of my life.. right.? anywaays i dont' know why i feel so relaxed for apbio. I should be studying.. haha i should be. probably it's just because it's mothers day / weekend, hopefully i don't go o_o tmrw lol. AHH just three more days!

decided that i'm going to start working out :) i don't think really to lose weight, i'm happy with my current "status" lol but i just wanna get FIT. these days i'm just walking around and i get tired.. that's pretty pathetic. after all aps are over imma start!

------------------

I asked God if you can open your eyes before I leave. You actually did... your consciousness was so out of sight but I felt secure inside. I know you can make it... you move around, so actively and resistantly and I know you have life inside. Please.. please wake up. I'll go visit you as much as I can.. pray for you, sing for you, talk with you.. whatever it takes. I want to see you standing again, with your son and daughter. Do me a favor, please. Please wake up.

-----------------

busy saturday

1. SAT IIs in the morning. I don't think I did my best if I studied a little more i would have probably done alot better. Oh well, just hoping for the best now (=

2. work today was a little .. stressful. It was supposed to be activity week but we didn't have much planned so it was hard keeping them still for an hour. It went pretty fast though I guess!

3. HOLLYWOOD BOWL. omgaaaah. my second time going there but first for korean fest <3 hehehhe finally got to see doojoon and taecyeon! not from a screen lol. i realized they have pretty nice body structure LOL. and they look the SAME from tv which means they're super good looking (= I was so close to them too. Nicole was saying how her dream was to be on stage and this other old guy was saying how long time ago the beatles and all these famous bands/ singers performed there and they're so honored to stand at the same place.... anyways took lots of pictures omg fangirls were screaming everywhere and rushing to the front of the stage when they shouted 2! LOL. security was getting super irritated but good thing i had a good spot (=

okaaay pretty much screwed for hw today. but its okay it was a funn weekend (: can't wait for aps... -____-

speechless

please please please please please get better.

didn't know it would be this heartbreaking.
you were moving but your eyes didn't open
only if I could have been further assured.
I don't want to hear anything from you except that you got better.

so please please please,
get better.

last day

before I turn 17 (:
it's been a crazy year... so much i can't trace back to but I know they're all just stored in my mind somewhere

i don't feel like i'm growing at all. just making steady changes i guess :) i just want to write how thankful I am for family (despite so much we've been through this year), my bestsss and those that make me smile even just a teeny bit and those that amaze me and those that inspire me... those who influenced me in any way :) i hope turning a year older will mean that i'll know what i'll be doing bahahah

anywaysss prom is coming soon :) hehe

TIME TO STUDY FOR ANATOMY TEST T_T









it isn't what you've been thinking

SALT

got back around 12:30. Glad to be home but it just sucks thinking that today's the last day of spring break ):
I guess some good things didn't happen either. I have some of my own stories to tell and other people have theirs too but I mean it wasn't like a huge thing. lol i kind of expected some drama to come up during retreat but everything was pretty chill i guess (: so that's good. and ah i ate SO much. everytime i go to cedar falls i get like thirds for every meal in the cafeteria cause i could actually eat EVERYTHING there lol. i really really really liked their homemade rice krispies treats there i'm craving it so much right now.. but i need to stop being a fatty hehe prom is coming soon! but neways the weather was SO cold there. I brought shorts but I didn't even end up wearing them all. I actually didn't even get to wear like half my clothes cause it was like windy all the time.. I was washing my hands saturday night and it stung so much cause they were so dry ): so i need super intensive skin treatment lol. and oh omg you get super constipated up at the mountains... -_____-

Wow I still can't get over how cold it was in the morning. all the bathrooms were outside I remember waking up at 5am with michelle and jessica just to go take a shower. lol pretty funny stuff happened at the bathroom... but yeah it was all renovated so that was good... except the electricity sucked urgh. had to go back and forth just to dry our hair!

Welllll now i'm back home and i'm so out of it i've been just on the computer and trying to relax so I could get my brain pumping again.. urgh i really really really don't want to go to school. spring break was like one of the best breaks i've ever had i'm so jealous of meena that she has break right now ): but i guess i've had my turn. plus my mom's gone for a week to missouri and my dad comes home super late so me and my brother are gonna be alone at home for a while. asdfhjkl i'm super tired i need to take a nap D: goodnight!

ups / downs

march is finally over!
i've been waiting for this moment (:

thinking back, I was just so caught up with deadlines every week that nothing really hit me until I got to reflect back on what actually happened. I guess overall everything went pretty well. CM, SAT, Festival were all pretty good results and elections.. well haha maybe God's just telling me to take a break from all of this and concentrate on him before I go to college. If I got in or didn't, I think I would be happy either way (:

Well it's finally spring break! I've been out ever since. Haha the more i'm out the more i'm screwed for hw.. but ah I think I deserve some time for myself! So on Saturday I went to church and we went to do free hugs at the block. I hate doing it in the beginning but it gets better I guess.. we eventually got kicked out lol. And then after we went bowling .. I suck haha. Then the JEMMs went to Michelle's house and sleptover cause we had a SALT meeting the day after.

Michelle's moms burritos are THE BOMB I seriously didn't have to eat the whole day cause it was so filling. But I ate anyways haha I'm such a fatty. And then during the SALT meeting we felt the earthquake... pretty cool. And then came home chilled asdfjkl;

Today I went to santa monica with kirin jessica and jane! Jessica and I walked literally EVERYWHERE eyeshopping/taking pictures/eating whatnot.. it was pretty fun. then we went to the beach and it was SUPER windy but it was pretty fun. haha the seagulls couldn't even fly so it was funny seeing them fly in the wrong direction lol. and then after we were gonna go eat at this fish taco place but then we saw the calbi truck so we went to go eat there. I guess it was pretty okay but kirin said that gogi truck is better. they prob don't have vegetarian options there though ):

I'm excited for the rest of spring break (: retreat from fri-sun woot! but during the time I have to finish hw ahh. well anyway today was funn so asdfjkl; i'm loving spring breakk!