Season of Change

This summer... wow.
I can't believe this is going to be the last summer I'm going to spend as a high schooler. Maybe it's because of this reason, but I cannot forget all that I've experienced and learned during my break. This year, it only got better and better every day. An action-packed summer... coming home at one or two all the time, lying on my bed thinking about how much fun I had. This summer was full of inspiration and change... I can't say that I'm the same person anymore, despite the fact that I may look and act the same on the outside.

I've realized the importance of building relationships and knowing those that are going to stay with me the rest of my life. I learned to accept myself as I am and be comfortable with it. And from all the years stressing about my future, I finally feel like I know what to do and where I want to be at.

I feel confident and not burdened.

The way I socialize with people has also changed. I have met so many people... from the same county to the other side of the nation.. and have gained perspectives, same and different. I feel like I don't have to work alone anymore. I'm swearing more often... trying not to though. I've decided what to continue and what not to. I've seen so much more than just my home city... outside, the places I've never knew existed yet were only a couple hours away. I've become more open-minded and understanding. I've experienced different forms of love (as corny as it sounds), and I want to share it.

In short, summer this year has turned me into a more mature and open person. I can't say that I've changed for the better, but I'm not despising this change I've experienced. I like this new me, and because of that I'm looking forward for the years to come.

I'm truly going to miss summer.

new!

good day today...

got my daily portion done for summer homework, practiced piano enough :) (finally), then pool with group, then got my bike <3.. then got a bigger desk AHH I'm in love with my bike and desk :)


i need to run more!

bittersweet

scared..
that they won't cooperate with me
that it'll be harder than I expected
that my purpose and ambition will fade away
that i'll feel hopeless
that my priorities will be shuffled
that i won't have time to spend with my close ones
that i'll have to adjust to a new lifestyle the last year
that they'll have the wrong conception
that i'll be too caught up

certain..
that I'll encounter an unforgettable experience
that I can prove stereotypes and prejudices wrong
that I have potential
that I have passion
that I can grow as a leader
that I can work well with everyone
... that i'm not just a stupid asian
that I'll be with them side by side and not in front of them


I can do this

finally!

so chill today...
watched LEAP YEAR with heffy today after school.. it was an okay movie. the guy was pretty hot though asopighasdioghasdiogh we were like squealing -_- anyways i actually got to take a walk with my mom and dad.. together today. it was cute heh :) but we talked about SO MANY THINGS probably the most out of this whole year. but i've just realized that i've been so busy i never got to share my life with them and because of that they weren't able to understand me much.. whenever they'd ask me i would always have to explain because i've never told them anything since I was so busy, and explaining would be a hassle.

Just realized that despite the fact they're the stereotypical asian parents, they really want me to follow my aspirations and desires. I really love them :)
We walked for like a little over an hour, but seriously I've never opened up to them so much.. I'm glad they're able to walk my path with me now.

Anywayys i'm loving the last days of school.. seriously i can just chill the whole day without having to worry about anything.. and i am definitely excited for summer! I have so many things planned.. gonna be a hassle but I'll have ALOT more freedom than school. hopefully it won't be a breeze :)

p.s. again mentioning... very very thankful
VERY thankful for the ones that are there for me.


---------------
kind of weird how this happened.. one time i was saying maybe God has other plans but now it's the other way around

creepy

heffy and i were coming back from wal-mart not too long ago and on the way we see two police cars to our right. there's a man lying face down on the ground unconscious.. out of the car... did he get shot or is he just drunk o_o
kind of just sat there shocked by the scene...

then i come home and my brother tells me someone gave me a book. i go inside my room and there's a letter that says "Dear Esther, Please enjoy and be blessed with this book. Love," and then a purple streak. there's a pooh keychain attached to the paper. the book is called the signs and involvements of God...

I ask him how he got it and he said that someone knocked on the door while I was out and when he opened it noone was there except for the letter and the book on the ground..

i'm pretty creeped out.

FUN

LONG entry...

o52910: PROM

So proud of JCC :) Througout this year we've been spending so much time and now that it finally came it was kinda sad.. but prom was very successful!

Anyways I had to go to church service SUPER early in the morning cause my mom was iffy about me missing church -__- seriously there were like 10 adults there so boring.. but since the youth pastor was speaking it was bearable. then after we went straight home and then riya and hannah came over. I swear.. I love extensions <3

and oh i REALLY REALLY liked my makeup & hair.. MAJOR PROPS TO RIYA.. seriously what can I do without this girll

anywaays went to imagix and took pictures.. the usual. but THE BOAT. haha endless dreams! I remember we were all bummed out we couldn't get eternity? I think that was what it was called... but this boat was super nice too I think we underappreciated it a little :) anyways setting up 2 hours before prom was kind of a hassle cause tables got mixed up but at the end everything got set up in time.

The security was really uptight! when it was about to start all non jcc members had to leave the boat and i left too cause michael was out but i was jcc and i couldn't even go in -_- had to wait in the line for like 45 mins lool. but maan the boat was amazinn :o) except it moved ALOT faster than I expected so i actually felt it rocking back and forth.. kind of made me sick but who cares? its on a boat..

went to dennys after and i said i wouldn't eat but i did -_- seriously i've been eating so muchh but haha food is too good!

...

i think this is one of the most memorable dances i went to :)

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o53o1o: FAMILY VACATION

i came back home around like 130 and got all settled for bed around 2. we were going to leave at 5 so i only had like 3 hours to sleep...well when i woke up it was around 630 and we were just about to leave. oh my gosh i rushed like no other lol. anywayys it took like 3 hours to go to solvang.. me and my brother just knocked out. my dad bought a whole bunch of food.. I didn't really get why cause we were gonna eat there anyways but . never too bad to have food :)

it was SUPER hot.. i checked the weather after prom and it was gonna be like 90 degrees there.. I don't know why I wore long pants lol but I was prepared :) brought like 2 sets of clothes lol. well there wasn't really much to do there except sightsee and eat so we went to santa barbara which was pretty close from there and we went to go see the mission. except we were super lucky cause they happened to have a children's festival or something so it made our experience more fun :) there were like chalk art and like people singing and food and whatnot and a WHOLE bunch of people. i wouldn't mind going there again..

then for dinner we went to this chinese vegetarian restaurant. we were having the hardest time finding the place because we went there WAY before but when we got there it wasn't at the same place.. i think it was a chain. so we were debating if we should go or not and we ended up going.. lol. i think we ordered the wrong food -_- we were quite disappointed but oh well :)

i'm really thankful that we all got to go on this trip.. i think it really helped us to bond.. i mean we always had our family moments and stuff but most of the time we would always be doing our own things.. this time we actually moved together, ate together, talked with each other.. all things that a close family would do hehe. i love my KOH family<3

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o53110: DATE WITH MOMMA

went out with her at like 2pm and went to anaheim forever 21 to go shopping.. right when i got in they asked me if i wanted to enter in this raffle for a 100 dollar gift card so i was like O_O i think i had my hopes too high.. i really really really wanted to win hahah cause i already planned on buying my mom clothes but if i had that then i could buy her more. we freaking waited 2 hours for it and we didn't even get it -_- dammit i should have like kept on writing my name lol. anyyways went to like a whole bunch of other stores after.. it was really good exercise baahhah. we're so determined >:) anyyways my mom told me she's going to chicago in june for a business trip and SHE DIDN'T EVEN TELL ME... she told me from now on she's going on a business trip every month and for july she might go back to missouri again and asked me if i wanted to tag along with her so i was like most def! if i do get to go i'd be kinda excited :)

i bought some clothes for her and for myself so i'm a happy shopper hahah

i think this is like one of the best weekends i've ever had yaaay :o)

long day

R.I.P. uncle ,

May 17th 2010

♥

woke up at 5am to hear my uncle passed away. i guess the time finally came. still in shock.. but what happens happens... went to hospital and saw his body for the last time. i don't know. he was so cold and white.. can't really get that image out of my head. been popping up randomly this whole day but I guess throughout the week my family, his family, and I will cope with it and just wish him the best.

on a brighter note, I got my shoes for prom today! went to cerritos mall with ashley and I was so scared I wouldn't be able to find shoes but we actually found them like less than an hour. All I need now are flowers and dress. Found the dress at ebay LOL and trying to contact the seller to send it early but she's being pretty shady -_- but i still trust her. she better... omg

i love having no hw :) finally have time for myself I can just relaxx this is how I always wanted weekdays to be.. time to shop around nap laugh have fun whatever

tomorrow is officially show week! another tiring week... but it'll get my mind off the whole situation. ahhh can't wait till prom! very excited hehe

p.s.

very thankful for the ones who've always been there for me

gone

dear uncle.

i wanted to keep you anonymous.. i did in all my other posts because I had high hopes about you reviving. Well dad (your brother) just told me that they're going to take you off the breathing machine this saturday.. he even told me the time too. approximately 2pm.

I really don't know what to say, and I can't stop crying ever since I heard the news.

I didn't expect to hear this. I only meant to tell my parents that I got into regionals for bach festival and that this sunday I would have to play in a recital. But they told me to keep this weekend open because of you. I really really can't believe this.... when i visited you at the hospital the last two times you were slowly moving and making progress. I really thought you were going to live. Even when the doctors told my dad that even if you live, you might have mental problems because of so much damage... that didn't bother me at all because when you opened your eyes a millimeter that one time I had hope. I prayed to God for a sign like that, and the fact that it came true instantly gave me so much assurance.

I thought you could make it. Is it the money that's stopping you from living? Is it just because you've given up yourself? Why do you have to do this right now... can't you see the people supporting you? While I was at the hospital there were so many people coming to see you that the doctors had to limit the amount of visitors coming in your room. Pastors, old friends, family.. everyone. There's so many people that are waiting for you to revive again but right now I think they have lost all hope. As for me, I'm really hoping that what my dad had said isn't true. I really hope they don't take you off the machine. You depend on it now, but you're going to recover with it... you can still live. I know. I wish I could know.

I miss you already. I'm sorry I've never visited you as often when you were standing and well-off. I remember the last time we ever had bonding time was about 3 years ago. So ironic how we came to California so that my dad can be with you but we barely get to see each other. I really hope that you pass away peacefully. But more than anything, I hope that you can assure your daughter and son... my cousins... that you'll always be with them no matter what.

I'm really hoping that I wouldn't have to go to a funeral this weekend. I really really hope I don't have to.

Koh sae jun, please show me that you'll be okay even after your last breath.

i love you.

obstacles

3 more days.

that's all i can think of.

just 3 more....

actually 4, including prom fashion show. that'll be a hassle but i think it'll be more fun :) i mean i'm considering doing this pretty much the rest of my life.. right.? anywaays i dont' know why i feel so relaxed for apbio. I should be studying.. haha i should be. probably it's just because it's mothers day / weekend, hopefully i don't go o_o tmrw lol. AHH just three more days!

decided that i'm going to start working out :) i don't think really to lose weight, i'm happy with my current "status" lol but i just wanna get FIT. these days i'm just walking around and i get tired.. that's pretty pathetic. after all aps are over imma start!

------------------

I asked God if you can open your eyes before I leave. You actually did... your consciousness was so out of sight but I felt secure inside. I know you can make it... you move around, so actively and resistantly and I know you have life inside. Please.. please wake up. I'll go visit you as much as I can.. pray for you, sing for you, talk with you.. whatever it takes. I want to see you standing again, with your son and daughter. Do me a favor, please. Please wake up.

-----------------

busy saturday

1. SAT IIs in the morning. I don't think I did my best if I studied a little more i would have probably done alot better. Oh well, just hoping for the best now (=

2. work today was a little .. stressful. It was supposed to be activity week but we didn't have much planned so it was hard keeping them still for an hour. It went pretty fast though I guess!

3. HOLLYWOOD BOWL. omgaaaah. my second time going there but first for korean fest <3 hehehhe finally got to see doojoon and taecyeon! not from a screen lol. i realized they have pretty nice body structure LOL. and they look the SAME from tv which means they're super good looking (= I was so close to them too. Nicole was saying how her dream was to be on stage and this other old guy was saying how long time ago the beatles and all these famous bands/ singers performed there and they're so honored to stand at the same place.... anyways took lots of pictures omg fangirls were screaming everywhere and rushing to the front of the stage when they shouted 2! LOL. security was getting super irritated but good thing i had a good spot (=

okaaay pretty much screwed for hw today. but its okay it was a funn weekend (: can't wait for aps... -____-

speechless

please please please please please get better.

didn't know it would be this heartbreaking.
you were moving but your eyes didn't open
only if I could have been further assured.
I don't want to hear anything from you except that you got better.

so please please please,
get better.

last day

before I turn 17 (:
it's been a crazy year... so much i can't trace back to but I know they're all just stored in my mind somewhere

i don't feel like i'm growing at all. just making steady changes i guess :) i just want to write how thankful I am for family (despite so much we've been through this year), my bestsss and those that make me smile even just a teeny bit and those that amaze me and those that inspire me... those who influenced me in any way :) i hope turning a year older will mean that i'll know what i'll be doing bahahah

anywaysss prom is coming soon :) hehe

TIME TO STUDY FOR ANATOMY TEST T_T









it isn't what you've been thinking

SALT

got back around 12:30. Glad to be home but it just sucks thinking that today's the last day of spring break ):
I guess some good things didn't happen either. I have some of my own stories to tell and other people have theirs too but I mean it wasn't like a huge thing. lol i kind of expected some drama to come up during retreat but everything was pretty chill i guess (: so that's good. and ah i ate SO much. everytime i go to cedar falls i get like thirds for every meal in the cafeteria cause i could actually eat EVERYTHING there lol. i really really really liked their homemade rice krispies treats there i'm craving it so much right now.. but i need to stop being a fatty hehe prom is coming soon! but neways the weather was SO cold there. I brought shorts but I didn't even end up wearing them all. I actually didn't even get to wear like half my clothes cause it was like windy all the time.. I was washing my hands saturday night and it stung so much cause they were so dry ): so i need super intensive skin treatment lol. and oh omg you get super constipated up at the mountains... -_____-

Wow I still can't get over how cold it was in the morning. all the bathrooms were outside I remember waking up at 5am with michelle and jessica just to go take a shower. lol pretty funny stuff happened at the bathroom... but yeah it was all renovated so that was good... except the electricity sucked urgh. had to go back and forth just to dry our hair!

Welllll now i'm back home and i'm so out of it i've been just on the computer and trying to relax so I could get my brain pumping again.. urgh i really really really don't want to go to school. spring break was like one of the best breaks i've ever had i'm so jealous of meena that she has break right now ): but i guess i've had my turn. plus my mom's gone for a week to missouri and my dad comes home super late so me and my brother are gonna be alone at home for a while. asdfhjkl i'm super tired i need to take a nap D: goodnight!

ups / downs

march is finally over!
i've been waiting for this moment (:

thinking back, I was just so caught up with deadlines every week that nothing really hit me until I got to reflect back on what actually happened. I guess overall everything went pretty well. CM, SAT, Festival were all pretty good results and elections.. well haha maybe God's just telling me to take a break from all of this and concentrate on him before I go to college. If I got in or didn't, I think I would be happy either way (:

Well it's finally spring break! I've been out ever since. Haha the more i'm out the more i'm screwed for hw.. but ah I think I deserve some time for myself! So on Saturday I went to church and we went to do free hugs at the block. I hate doing it in the beginning but it gets better I guess.. we eventually got kicked out lol. And then after we went bowling .. I suck haha. Then the JEMMs went to Michelle's house and sleptover cause we had a SALT meeting the day after.

Michelle's moms burritos are THE BOMB I seriously didn't have to eat the whole day cause it was so filling. But I ate anyways haha I'm such a fatty. And then during the SALT meeting we felt the earthquake... pretty cool. And then came home chilled asdfjkl;

Today I went to santa monica with kirin jessica and jane! Jessica and I walked literally EVERYWHERE eyeshopping/taking pictures/eating whatnot.. it was pretty fun. then we went to the beach and it was SUPER windy but it was pretty fun. haha the seagulls couldn't even fly so it was funny seeing them fly in the wrong direction lol. and then after we were gonna go eat at this fish taco place but then we saw the calbi truck so we went to go eat there. I guess it was pretty okay but kirin said that gogi truck is better. they prob don't have vegetarian options there though ):

I'm excited for the rest of spring break (: retreat from fri-sun woot! but during the time I have to finish hw ahh. well anyway today was funn so asdfjkl; i'm loving spring breakk!

nothing

I haven't been doing anything for 2 hours. feels kind of good.. no stress no worries no deadlines no nothing. just been doing what i want (: although i'm gonna be pretty much screwed after this LOL.

Made a facebook page for my campaign! took me like an hour to learn how to do it but it's out there now (: Just hoping for the best.

I think I really need to go outt

RELIEVED!

March 6th - CM TEST
March 13th - SAT
March 21st - BACH FESTIVAL
March 22-25 - CAMPAIGNING / ELECTIONS

I am halfway through! Kind of glad I got over with SATs. I can only hope for the best (:

After SAT I went to wal-mart to restock on a couple of craft stuff for campaigning, i realized that it's going to be alot of work! But knowing that I have support behind me keeps my confidence level up (: Then after me, jessica, paul c, ricky, jimmy, and my brother went to costco to go buy some amc tickets. LOL running around for food samples was ridiculous -____- and then after we went to in-n-out to eat. I should have ordered more than just a strawberry shake ):

Then we went to the block and watched She's Out of My League. I think it was too okay.. but the story was too typical. Haha Ricky and Jimmy went out cause they thought it was THAT bad. ): Should have watched Alice in the Wonderland maybe but I can just watch it next time... when I have time that is :/ And then after we went to Orangewood gym and played volleyball for like 3 hours. it was fun (=

AGGH daylight savings time tmrw! I need that extra hour. Starting from tomorrow is gonna be another stressful week I have to go through.. ahh march please go away. Spring break come quickly!

comfortable

i cannot live without my two layered socks.
If i don't have them on at nighttime I think I would freeze to death. I really really really love them soooo much.

I feel so comfortable... cozy.. relaxed LOL
I should be studying, but .. ahh whatever.

I want to be in this comfortable stage for a while (:

very very

overwhelmed.

D:

i need a break

no title

tired...

I guess I'm living the junior life. I have never been so tired.. show week for one but also because of just so many deadlines and so many things on my mind I can't even go to sleep when I'm tired.

and i've been losing so many things! Sandals, scarves, hats, chapstick... gaaaah i'm slowly starting to find things one by one but I need to start remembering where I put everything.

I'm glad this week is over.. but I'm going to dread today, so many things to catch up on. I think I'm getting sick too.. AGAIN.. gaah my throat hurts so much..

I need a clean start.





praying hard for people...

Swiftly

Before I grasp the importance of time, it slips out of my hand.
There is no way to preserve it.. you have to work with what you have, even if it is nowhere enough.

My mom had a sitdown conversation with me, but I wasn't too surprised because we've been having so much these days. She tells me that the only person she can trust for the sake of our future is me. Then she finally realizes that I should pursue what I truly have potential for.

Which means she's been pushing me into being a doctor to tell me I should do something else. -__________-
I realized if I didn't listen to her, I would probably doing other things in life.. with different priorities,schedule.. whatnot.

I'm glad for this conversation though. I thought I would be brainwashed into thinking what they want me to do but before I got to that stage they realize themselves what would be the best for me. Which reminds me she has this pretty ridiculous plan for me but she thinks I can do it. Or at least wants me to do it. Is this another repeat?

I kind of feel ambitious about this though (: I'll keep it to myself because it'd be stupid to talk about it and have it nowhere near completion anytime. I've never ever thought about doing it.. I can't believe she's even suggested this to me ahahah. I think it would be possible. With alot of time. ALOT.

I need this for my parents, myself, my family, everything else ):


Time, please go slowly!!!!!!